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Dear Sarah, When I first learned I was going to have you, I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. Your father was also confused. But, the first time I felt you move, it made me so happy and excited that there was this little person inside of me. A baby - part me and part Daniel. Finally, the kicks got strong enough for your daddy to share and I could tell by his reaction that he was hooked and that he would love you too. You seemed so healthy, so alive when you kicked to the music or in response to my pokes at your feet. We would sit and wonder about who you would look like and whose personality you were going to have. We would hope for a little girl to dress up in all those pretty clothes. I think, that way down deep, I knew you were a girl, but I told everyone, including myself, that you were a boy...just in case I was wrong. I would lie awake at night and pray you would be healthy and happy. I never once prayed you would be alive until I knew you weren't. I just took it for granted...why wouldn't you be alive and perfect? Now you're gone and I never had the chance to hear you cry or to breastfeed you. I don't feel your little kicks anymore and I miss you so much. I wonder if you ever felt pain or if you died peacefully without the realization that you were alive. I pray there is a Heaven and that I'll be able to be with you someday to give you all the love now being wasted on tears. I'll always wonder about you and love you. I would have wanted you...no matter what. |
When you begin to suspect that your baby has died, you ask yourself - -
Why didn't I notice sooner?
How long has it been since I felt movement?
If you never suspected that the baby was lost and a doctor or nurse had to tell you, you asked yourself - -
Why didn't I know?
Why couldn't I tell that something was terribly wrong?
These are questions that will never be completely answered. Maybe the baby was "floating" and you believed this was fetal movement. Perhaps, deep down, you knew but your emotions were not prepared to deal with such a shocking revelation. Whatever the reason, keep in mind that even if you had realized the baby had died at the exact moment, it would still have been too late. There was nothing you could have done and it is not your fault. If you did not know for hours or for days, it doesn't mean that you did not love your baby.
Upon hearing the words "Your baby is dead", the thoughts that go through your mind can vary from "That's not funny!" to "How am I going to tell the Kid?", but one very consistent thought seems to be "But that can't be true, the end result of pregnancy is not a dead baby".
Women are designed to bear children. This is a fact of life that we've known since the P.E. teachers separated the girls from the boys in the seventh grade for "The film and lecture". Although it is not as commonly preached as in the past, there is still a concept in society that Motherhood mean true womanhood. When you become "MOM", this makes you an adult.
When your body betrays you, your whole sense of identity is threatened. This may be more true of those who lose a first child; however, if it is a second or third child, you are still likely to ask "Why did my body bring forth death this time?" After all, in the past, it has successfully brought life into the world.
Dealing with the fact that there was once a beautiful, living child inside of you and then, because of a cruel twist of fate, the beautiful, living child becomes a corpse in your body can be very difficult. It is normal to have a preoccupation with the reality that your womb, which is supposed to be the safest place for your baby, is also where your baby died. Just because you think about this does not mean you are morbid or going insane. You have to work through all the aspects of your loss to come to terms with the death of your baby.
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Dear Sarah, You have been gone for over two weeks now, but I feel as if I should be having a healthy baby any day now instead of grieving for my dead baby girl. Sometimes, when I first awake, I forget that I'm not pregnant anymore. For a brief instant, I forget that my baby has died - and when I remember, the shock and pain hits with such force that I wish I were dead. Mom |
There is a sense of unreality that takes over when tragedy strikes. It's called shock and it is useful because it will temporarily numb you from the pain allowing you to survive; however, even when the initial trance begins to wear off, you will still be in a state of disbelief. You may still feel pregnant. In fact, your body doesn't realize that the baby is gone. Your milk will come in and your heart will ache to hold your baby close. If you had planned on breastfeeding, when your milk comes in, it is one more reminder of what you have lost.
On some occasions, your body may betray you to the public. For some unknown reason, everyone is comfortable talking to an expectant mother. They ask about your due date or tell you their own personal "horror" story. When first released from the hospital, you may still need to wear those early maternity clothes and, unfortunately, someone will ask a question that makes you want to faint.
There is really no "best way" to handle this situation. If it is someone you have never seen in your life, you may choose to answer "I had a boy/girl two weeks ago...." and end it at that. If it is someone you are likely to have to face again, you may choose to say "Our son/daughter was stillborn...", the decision is up to you. You do what is best for the situation. Yes, you may leave more than one person speechless, but it is not going to be one hundred percent avoidable unless you stay home, and believe me, at home, alone, is one of the last places you want to be.
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SARAH
SARAH, SARAH,
SARAH,
SARAH,
SARAH, |
Guilt is a normal response to a loss no matter what the circumstances. If you have ever lost someone close to you, you may recall the "What if's" that ran through your mind. You may have also wished for the chance to say all the things that sum up how you felt about your loved one - all the while knowing that it was too late. You will probably go through a deeper thought process with your baby than ever before. After all, this baby was your child. You had plans for his/her future and when your baby died, you lost a part of your future as well.
You may want to find somewhere to place the blame even if there is no blame to be placed. Most likely, you will find yourself at fault. You will direct the "What if's" at yourself -
"What if I had called the Doctor sooner?"
"What if I had quit smoking?"
You will also have the "Did I's?" -
"Did I cause the death when I had that fender bender?"
"Did we kill the baby when we made love?"
And, of course, we can't leave out the "If only's" -
"If only I had exercised more."
"If only I hadn't drank that one beer."
All the "What if's" "Did I's?" and "If only's" in the world will not bring your baby back to you. Your loss was most probably a medical problem that went undetected, a umbilical cord accident or an unknown cause.
A fender bender or small fall would very likely do more damage to you than to a well-cushioned baby.
Yes, Doctors warn against drinking when you are pregnant because of fetal alcohol syndrome, but it takes very large quantities of alcohol to do severe damage. A few drinks during your entire pregnancy is not lethal.
And, unless advised to avoid intimate relations with your mate, sex is harmless as well.
In the event your baby had abnormalities, such as a chromosomal dislocation, you and your mate may feel you are to blame since these genes did come from you. Should this be the case, I recommend that you both go through genetic screening for two reasons. First, to get the reassurance that the baby's problem was a fluke of "egg" meets "sperm" and not something that will repeat itself. Secondly, to become aware should there be a problem that might reoccur. This knowledge will be important to you if you decide to have another child in the future.
Keep all these things in mind as you search for an answer. You are, of course, going to ask these kinds of questions because, in our logical minds...there has to be a reason. Babies don't just die - That's not fair.
Another source of guilt is the feeling that you may have caused the death by not loving enough. If you were reluctant to have this baby or if you felt that the timing couldn't have been worse, you may believe that you wished for it. Keep in mind that, during pregnancy, it is normal to go through a wide range of emotions.
You may have been afraid of all the responsibilities that come with Motherhood. You may have decided you've already got the 2.5 kids that you need and have had to adjust to adding a new baby to the picture. Whatever you felt or thought, you did not wish - "Gee, I want this baby to die so I can sleep on my stomach again!"
Parents who have chosen to give the baby up for adoption may have even more overwhelming guilt feelings, but, always remember that you chose to give this baby a better life than you could provide because you loved it. You loved to the best of your ability and made plans to bring a new life into the world.
