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Dear Sarah,
I went with Daniel to Tony's Art Show at McMurry. While I was there, Tony's sister had a ten-day old infant with her who was being put up for adoption. Tony's sister was providing foster care until the paperwork went through.
I will always love you, |
OTHER PEOPLE'S BABIES
When you have lost your baby, it seems that everywhere you go, you are surrounded by pregnant women and newborn babies. Your friends and relatives are expecting or have recently had a new addition to the family. Dealing with shopping malls and family gatherings is a constant assault on your emotions.
On the one hand, you want to be happy for those around you - but, on the other hand, you are so jealous while you watch admiring friends ooh and aah someone else's baby. You may feel that they have forgotten your baby and your pain.
You may have an intense desire to hold the baby yourself, just to reaffirm that living, healthy babies are real. Or you may want to go running and screaming out of the room. Both of these reactions are normal and you may find yourself flip-flopping from one to the other.
Then there is the issue of people who have children they don't want. Hearing of child abuse or abandoned babies may have always turned your stomach, but now, you will question "Why do those people get to have healthy babies when mine died?". You may see a family with six children and ask "How is it so easy for them?".
In time, the intense anger that comes on you when you see some mother or father hit a small child at the grocery store may subside, but there is still resentment towards those who do not realize how precious that fragile child's life is.
It's the little things
For many couples, the instant solution to the grief of losing their baby is to try again. Sometimes, it may be a decision that they arrive at on their own; other times, it may be that those around them think that this would be the best thing for the bereaved parents. When and if to having another baby is one that only the parents can answer; however, as you and your partner weigh the pros and cons of another pregnancy, try to keep the following things in mind:
* The mother's physical health. Wait until your body has had time to recover from the pregnancy.
* The emotional state of both parents and any other children. Could your family survive another loss, such as an early miscarriage, at this point?
* Why do you want another baby? Be sure that you have come to terms with the fact that a new baby will not replace the one you have lost. And that a new baby may bring about a different kind of grief and questioning process. For example, the new baby would never had come into existance if the first one had lived.
* Have you resolved your grief and come to terms with the stillbirth of your baby? Are there any medical questions you need answered for your peace of mind before conceiving again?
If, after some time, you and your partner decide that you are willing to take the chance, here are suggestions on dealing with a subsequent pregnancy:
* Pamper yourself. Buy new maternity clothes. Get a makeover. Spend quality time together. Try to make your pregnancy as enjoyable and stress free as possible.
* Make a point to keeping this pregnancy separate from the last one. Pick new names. Buy new baby items. Wait and have the shower after the baby has arrived safety. Anything that will help you is fine.
* Talk to other parents who have suffered a loss and gone on to have successful outcomes. They know what you are going through.
* Talk to parents who haven't suffered the death of an infant. This will remind you that most of the time, things go off without a hitch and that your case was the exception, not the rule.
* If you feel that something isn't right, call your doctor or midwife. They should be aware of your case history and be willing to offer support. If you feel uncomfortable with your current doctor, ask for a specialist. Many doctors will automatically refer you to someone else if they feel you are at high risk.
* Enjoy every precious moment with the baby that is growing inside of you. Yes, there will be fear, but you have decided that you are willing to risk your heart to love again and you shouldn't make yourself miserable because of that decision. Ask for help and support when you need it.
My extreme desire to get pregnant is beginning to swing to the other side. I'm becoming afraid of the idea of losing another baby. I think it would tear me apart. The odds are in my favor, but they were "in my favor" with you, too.
Twenty year olds don't have Down's babies. Mom's who are in good health and who don't drink or smoke aren't supposed to lose their babies...but it happens. Trying again now doesn't even seem like a possibility.
Your father is against the idea and, as much as I would like to say that it's not his decision, I can't do it alone. I think a factor in my desire for another baby is that I look at Daniel and I see you.
If we were living apart, I think I could go on without another baby. Please understand, I want to have a living baby in my life time. I can't imagine living life with your delivery as my only experience in childbirth. But I can wait until I can handle the fear of nine months of waiting without losing my mind.
Your loving mom
LITTLE THINGS
That tear me to pieces.
It's the things
That no one else notices,
The reminders that only affect me.
It's the "If onlys", "What Ifs" and "Why nots"
It's all the things that should be.
It's what no one else can see,
Your pictures, the nightmares
and the unfullfilled dreams.
It's those tiny feet,
Just prints in black ink.
Little things
Like newborn babies, diaper commercials
Baby clothes and baby toys.
It's unused yellow booties, Winnie-the-Pooh and the Color Pink
Any of these things can make me cry.
Any little thing
Makes me want to die.
Because all these things should make life happy,
complete and full,
But, instead -
Each of these things make me wish,
If only I had my little girl.
Dear Sarah,
While some parents decide to try again, others may find themselves saying "never again". This is a normal reaction to the pain you have endured. Who wants to open their heart to that kind of pain again? But, just as those who have decided to have another baby need to answer some important questions, those who have decided not to take the chance also need to answer some important questions before making any decisions about permanent procedures. If you are looking into sterilization, take a while to recover from your grief before going on with the operation.
Yes, tubes can be untied and vasectomies can be reversed, but not always with the best results. If the baby had a congenital or genetic problem, look into testing and find out about the disorder. What are the odds of it recurring? Is it a defect you could live with if the child survived? What kind of prenatal testing is available to you? Is adoption a possibility?
For the moment, you may be terrified of the idea of a new baby, but be patient. Give yourself time to grieve and then make a definite choice for the future.
