YOU FEEL INCOMPLETE
      Your role as parents has been taken away. Your family picture has been altered against your will. You are not only mourning the baby died, but also the future. That baby should have lived.

URGE TO REPLACE
      To desire another baby as soon as possible is common. But to be fair to the next child you should say good-bye to the lost child. However, only you can tell when you're ready.

FORGETFULNESS
      You will go through a period of missing turns to your house or running traffic lights. Getting to the store and not knowing what you needed to buy.

AM I CRAZY?
      Those who've lost a baby at birth may still feel kicks. SIDS parents may hear the baby cry. You may experience the "Soap Opera" Syndrome - the belief that your baby didn't really die, someone must have switched babies. Or you may have a fantasy that you'll wake up one morning to find a baby at your doorstep.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
      Eat, even if you're not hungry. Drink lots of water. Exercise, it will help relieve tension. Get a physical.

PERSONALIZE YOUR BABY
      By using the baby's name you will feel connected. Correct those who say "it" or "the baby". Let them know this wasn't just any baby. It was your beloved son or daughter.

GIVE YOUR PAIN WORDS
      Write a poem. Write a letter. Or keep a jounal.

GET HELP
      Seek contact with others who have had a similar death. Find a place to vent. Seek information through the doctors and/or reading material. Find a counselor with experience in stillbirth, infant death, and SIDS.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME
      There is no timetable on the pain of losing your baby. You will have good days, bad days, and horrible days. Time does ease the deep "I want to die pain." But this loss will always be in your heart. Recovering is learning to live with the loss and recognizing you are now a different person. You have become what is "normal" for bereaved parents, not what is "normal" to the rest of the world.

Jennifer Goins-Caufman