After the loss of a baby, it is common to want to hide away from the real world. We want to avoid the pain of explaining what happened to those who have not heard yet. We don’t want to see other expectant Moms or brand new babies.

      There will be people who joyfully ask: "how’s the morning sickness?’ "When are you due?" or "Did you have a boy or a girl?" Unfortunately, when they learn of your loss, the reactions will not always be supportive. Many will say the things we hate to hear "You can have another baby" At least you never brought it home." Or "I was probably not normal anyway." Still others will be shocked into silence and find the quickest way to make a get away. People who do know of your pain, may just avoid you altogether for fear of saying or doing something wrong.

      We may also be afraid of breaking down in public. Words of comfort from people would make my eyes water. Then they would feel bad for "reminding me." I hadn’t forgotten. My first trip to the grocery store after Sarah’s death was for cat food. I had never noticed before the all the baby items are across that same row. When I reached the check out I was clinging to a box of Moew Mix, tears streaming down my face. I was so embarrasses but could not speak to explain.

      One of the worst things about going out is pregnant women and new babies. They are EVERYWHERE, the Mall, Dr.Offices, and family gatherings.

      Of course, we cannot shut ourselves away. However, do try to take it easy in the beginning.

           *Plan short trips or visit one friend,
           not a large group.

           *Have a close friend go with you out
           to the mall or back to church. That way
           there is someone on hand that can field            questions.

           *Make sure that co-workers or
           classmates know the situation
           before you return.

           *Be aware that if you want to talk
           about the baby, you may have to make
           the first move. Others will most likely
           avoid the subject. And some will find
           the fastest way to change the subject.

           *Ask for help and support when you
           need it. Find a way to connect with
           others who know your pain and give
           you ideas and input on handling
           difficult situations.

           *Take it one step at a time. Take each
           day as it comes. Home alone without
           contact with others or support from
           those who love you will only prolong
           your pain.

           *Some quiet time set aside to think
           about your baby, write, read or search
           the net can be a great comfort. This is
           a good thing. Only if you reach a point
           of isolation, suicidial thoughts or fear
           of going out should you start to worry.

           *If you think you need professional help,            that is o.k. You have been through a
           great loss and you are not weak to
           reach out for help in dealing with
           the pain.

      Know that in time you will be able to go out without it being an ordeal. In time you’ll see pregnant moms or newborn babies without breaking into tears. You may still long for you child or feel envious and this is normal.

Written Jan. 16, 1999
By Jenn Caufman