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Having one of your children die is the hardest thing any parent can face. We all expect to lose our parents, even our spouse, but we are never prepared to lose our children. When you are expecting more than one child, you plan for more than one child. You look forward to being a parent of twins, or triplets, or more.
I was expecting twins. I was overjoyed - I would have a dream come true. My dream was to be a mommy to 4 boys. This would make my family complete. After losing Andrew in July of 1998, I felt like the twins were a promise from God for me. When I had to have an emergency c-section in July of 1999, I delivered my twin boys VERY early. Matthew was rushed into the NICU and Mark had died. My dream was shattered. I was totally unprepared for all of the loss involved. You see, I lost my son, my dream, the ability to be a mother to twins, my son's built in best friend, and I lost what I felt like was God's promise to me.
Everyone just expected me to be happy that I had a survivor. And I was, and I still am happy to have my survivor, my Matthew. I endured (and am still enduring) both joy and grief in one. I am thrilled to have Matthew and have him doing well, but I am incredibly saddened that I don't have Mark. Everyone around me expected me to just go on and not truly grieve for Mark. Even family members.
I hope that here you will find a place of comfort, and a place to share your joys and heartbreak.
Sincerely,
Tammy
©February 2000
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